Title? Oh I don’t know. Friday?

People (one person) often ask if this blog has a theme. Haha! Eh naw. There can be various threads and intertwining themes in one post, of which this is a prime example. Read on, and marvel at the clever seamless segueing from one theme to another. Actually that’s a lie; it’s more of a CLANNNGGG than a segue.

Theme 1)  My hypochondria continues apace. Tonight I’m suffering from pre-weekend fatigue syndrome. Or, to give it its proper catchy title – PWFS. I’m knackered. I’ve huffed and puffed the whole day. This is partly due to a) a long day yesterday and being too wired to sleep and b) pinging awake at 4am and watching Wolf Hall on the iPlayer but falling asleep ten minutes in to Cardinal Wolsey et al and waking up again at 730 with a face like a hen’s arse. At least it wasn’t a hair washing day with its associated drying, brushing and tuggy nonsense. 

Theme 2) I thought I might try sleeping on the other side of the bed tonight. I’m lying there now, clinging onto the side of the bed like a mountain goat. (THEME 3 COMING UP) I’ve no idea why I do that; but I huddle up on three inches of bed as if there’s a war on, to paraphrase McNabb (workhusband, nephew of a FAMOUS ACTOR AHEM, workshy fop, Aga owner (but doesn’t like to talk about it – fucking MUCH), dandy, witty raconteur, bonvivant, fellow spendthrift, pronouncer of doughnuts as “duffnuts” and fetcher-down and putter-up of heavy boxes as required. (I’ll never get these brackets closed – god knows why I opened them – I might just leave them open and see if anybody notices. 

(THIS MIGHT BE ANOTHER THEME COMING UP BUT NOT SURE) On the subject of McNabb (yes that’s his first name oh look more fucking brackets) we did a manual handling course a while back which we took Very Seriously Indeed. So much so that when we each had to demonstrate that we’d learned the correct procedure for lifting boxes and putting them down again; McNabb, on observing a colleague’s lifting technique and being asked for his opinion on her lifting, ventured “Oh I don’t know; I just didn’t BELIEVE her. I didn’t feel like she was really “owning” that box” like it was an am-dram performance. This made me giggle. When it was my turn to demonstrate my lifting technique I declined and explained that if a box needed lifting or moved in the office I’d simply holler “MCNABB! GONNAE FETCH US THAT BOX OFF THE TOP AY THAT CUPBOARD?”  (I’M ABOUT TO INTRODUCE ANOTHER THEME I THINK) That’s not acceptable in this day and age apparently. Political correctness gone mad! I hate humphing stuff. It’s the most crabbit inducing thing in the world, in my opinion. (POSSIBLE HEALTH RELATED THEME AHOY) Plus I’ve got asthma. I need a puff of my inhaler before I can even THINK about smoking a fag for chrissake. 

(FINAL THEME) I’d forgotten how enjoyable Smarties were. Just had a tube. I miss the Smartie tubes with the lids that popped off if you squeezed them. I’m sure a few Sixties born children are walking around now with an eye missing as a result of the over-zealous squeezing and subsequent misfiring of a wayward Smartie tube lid. 

Do I need to close any brackets? Oh here’s yer bloody bracket ) now pipe down and let’s all get some kip. 

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