That time I was a nun. 

Obviously it’s sad and everything that Geraldine McEwan’s dead but it does afford me yet another opportunity to mention my acting role along side her in the Magdalene Sisters. (Is alongside one word or two?). I say “acting” role but it was more of an “eating” role as I was made to eat an actual sausage while sat beside her at an actual dining table in an actual Convent. I’ve no idea why I was chosen for this scene. Perhaps I looked like I was no stranger to a sausage? “Fetch that weird looking fat nun for this scene – she looks like she knows her way round a sausage”. And lo it came to pass. I’d never acted before and didn’t know if I should ham it up or be believable or what the hell I should do but I found myself ashen with fear beside the great Geraldine McEwan with a knife and fork in my hand in full nun’s habit. In between takes (numerous retakes were my fault – in one I got the handle of my sausage knife caught in the sleeve of my habit in my haste to get at my sausage after they shouted action and the knife clanged loudly on the table) Ms McEwan turned to me and enquired in her Jean Brodie voice: “And what do you do for a living?” 

I mumbled “I’m in I.T.” 

I wasn’t. I don’t know why I said that. I worked in the library. It’s like that time I was in the roll shop at lunchtime and I ordered a chicken salad roll and on being asked if I wanted mayonnaise on it I snapped “Ewwww no I hate mayonnaise”. I don’t hate mayonnaise. I quite like it. Why I lied about it I’ll never know. I’m a pathological liar. It’s possibly another symptom of my social awkwardness. Anyway, Geraldine simply pursed her lips and turned away, like she somehow KNEW I was lying and wanted to spare me the shame of being caught out. I’ll never forget her kindness. 

If you want to catch me and my LYING FACE in the Magdalene Sisters I’m to the left of Geraldine McEwan in the dining room scene. All my other scenes were left on the cutting room floor, not that I was in that many – they could never find me – I spent most of the time smoking in corners and cackling with the other extras.

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