Outraged from Dumfries

Check the nick of this. This appears to be an artist being promoted by yer man Usher. His name is Rico Love, allegedly. I’m assuming it’s not his actual real name which is probably Gavin or Alan which was dropped for not being bibbety bobbety boo enough so he adopted a stage name inspired by the best roll shop in Dumfries opposite the Academy yonder (Let’s hear it for Rico’s! Mine’s a tattie scone and egg roll and a can o’ Diet Coke – I’m on a diet).

 By the way, no offence to any Gavins or Alans who might be reading this. No wait, I take that back – I was at school with a Gavin and he called me Bugs Bunny on account of my pre-braces teeth but it scarred me for life so UP YOURS Gavin and you can take all the Alans with you an’all because THEY’RE all twats. I condemn you to spend your weekends trailing through garden centres and painting bathrooms to the soundtrack of a nagging wife. HA!  

That got dark quickly. I do apologise. Didn’t sleep too well and woke up facing the mirror which gave me quite a start with my experimental third day hair standing on end. This in turn made me crabbit as it means it’s hair washing day with its associated tuggy nonsense including brushing and endless drying. 

Nespresso’d up to the max – a double shot Arpeggio since you ask – I returned to bed to conduct my morning rounds of social media. Imagine my outrage at this:

As referred to earlier, this is a young upstart protege of Usher (again probably not his real name). This, I’m assuming, is an album cover. The album is no doubt full of young Gavin rapping all that bibbety bobbety boo shite. Why is the woman naked and prone? And why is young Gavin or Alan standing triumphantly with his hands in his pockets, head cocked, as if to say “yeah, I gave her a good seeing to. I was so good she passed out and I threw her clothes over that wall for a laugh?”

In real life I hope he accidentally got off at Kilmarnock when he REALLY WANTED to stay on til Glasgow if you get my drift. (If you don’t get my drift it’s an analogy using the train journey from Dumfries to Glasgow to demonstrate a point, Glasgow being the final destination and Kilmarnock being an earlier stop. Get it now?)

I’m outraged at this picture. It’s offensive and demeaning, innit? If it was a woman breastfeeding it’d be taken down. I hate all this faux gangsta pish. Oh that reminds me, I parked my car beside a young man yesterday with loud “straight from the streets of Compton” music blaring out. He screeched to a halt, jumped out of (probably) his mum’s Ford Fiesta, flamboyantly flicked the key over his shoulder to lock the car (don’t bother trying to impress me son, I’m 53) and swaggered off, pants on show. He stopped suddenly, remembering something, swaggered back to his car and put his parking disc on. I did laugh. Even a badass mofo fae Dumfries needs a parking disc. He ain’t no fool…

Peace up. A-town down.