The Great Cankling of 2014

Tuesday: 5am. 

It’s always about this stupid time of day I think “oh I’ll just text [insert name here] about [insert thing here]” then I remember what stupid time it is and stop myself, in case I wake the recipient, and actually if I’m honest even that would give me some dark glee, because if I’m not sleeping then why the hell are you? Getting all up in my grill with your eight hours sleep a night while Tucker and I stare at the ceiling fretting about the future of humanity and listening to Woman’s Hour at 2am. I hate you and the horse you rode in on. 

I generally forget to text these same people later in the day, what with being swept up in work related matters and thinking about what I’ll have for my tea, unless it’s:

 a) a very juicy bit of gossip 

b) relates to getting out of a social event which I’d earlier expressed enthusiasm for, or

c) involves food

Sorry but that’s just the way it is. Anyway don’t get me antsy, I’m off to get the BP checked early doors. I’ll be buggered if I’m going back on the cankle enhancing tablets after the Great Cankling Incident of 2014 at James and Brian’s wedding, where I could only be photographed from the knee up and was forced to shuffle around in hotel slippers for the weekend in scenes akin to Cersei’s Walk of Atonement in last night’s Game of Thrones season finale. 

Great Cankling was emworsened (possibly not a real word) by sharing a room with my pal Susan, a leggy blonde who ponced around in Vivienne Westwood and grownup lady shoes looking all effortless and normal ankley. I should’ve smothered her with a pillow and made it look like an accident. 

“Oh I don’t know officer…she must’ve just kind of sucked the pillow on to her face during the night. The drawn on moustache? I’ve no idea. Who would do such a thing to such a pretty face? Oh well, never mind. I’m afraid I’ll have to rush you, breakfast closes in ten, and they ran out of hash browns yesterday when I got down” while jealously flushing her Vivienne Westwood down the toilet and tapping my Fitbit because EVERY STEP COUNTS EVEN IF A MURDER IS BEING COMMITTED, YO. 

I’m off to meditate my way to lower blood pressure. Have a great day. I know I will! (Yes I’m looking at the camera sideways)

PS – OH LORDY! I’ve just looked up “cankling”. Don’t look at the Urban Dictionary definition. (Which I realise is the same as saying “Go and look up the Urban Dictionary definition”)

PPS – Don’t shoot the messenger. 


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