Phoooooeeeee I’ve been terribly flighty and flibbertygibetty these past few days. I’m aware I’ve been behaving like one of those menopausal women I used to mock and loathe when I was 18 and in the prime of my menstrual life with a presumably non-atrophying vagina, and working in the Post Office Counter (in the good old days when Post Offices did ALL the transactions including arranging international phone calls from public phone boxes which required the logistical skills of NASA and the patience of eg the Dalai Lama neither of which I possessed because I was constantly hungover “oh there’s someone in the phone box? Well just press your nose against the glass and tell them to hurry the fuck up because it’s my tea break in ten minutes and I’ve asked Violet to keep me a bacon roll to cure this throbbing hangy which won’t eat itself you know”).
I don’t know why I’m more flibbertygibetty some days than others. There’s no rhyme nor reason, so of course we claim it’s hormonal, but I do know that the less stupid I try to be the more stupid I end up being.
In other equally enthralling news, things that irked me today:
- I read a thing where somebody had written phone as ‘phone. Oh shit off. We know it’s a contraction of telephone and this isn’t 1950, so stop writing like a twat.
- My Kitkat melted in the car.
- Handbag related stress. I nearly flipped my lid trying to locate an inhaler in my handbag after choking on an inhaled toast crumb.
- Having to buy cheap itchy tights in a Spar after arriving at work and looking down to see a pair of orange streaky legs poking down following yesterday’s attempt at fake tanning.
- The barefaced lie that is a pair of tights labelled M/L. Exhibit A- my droopy gusset.
- Voicemail from doctor’s surgery at 9am asking me to ring them back. WHAT?! WHY?! AM I DYING??
- Finding out that my iCloud account has developed self-awareness and took it upon itself to email every fucker I know in the world – including the doctor’s surgery. For fuckSAKE. This is our future. Our email accounts become sentient beings with free will.
- Coming home feeling maudlin and looking forward to a wee nana nap until nap plan foiled by noisy hedge trimmer next door. I loathe noise. This includes people who talk too much. Anything after “hello” is generally “too much”.
Things I’ve been grateful for today:
- Sunshine. Simple pleasures.
- Eating gravy with a spoon.
- Tucker post-shower, smelling less like horseshit, and all ‘I’ve just washed my hair and can’t do a thing with it’ fluffy.
- A last minute dash to Debenhams for foundation that ended with a bag full of samples from the Clarins counter to which I shall definitely return to purchase. I do enjoy good customer service.
- A satisfactory cappuccino.
- Seeing sun dogs in the evening sky. One either side of the sun, as is customary with parhelia.
Happy Tuesday when it comes. Remind me to tell you about my root canal.